THIS IS ME - OR NOT

How cool is it to write about yourself, to analyse yourself? How interesting is it for other people to read? And how right will you be, how ACCURATE? 

"NOT" is probably the short answer to all the above. Basically you can't really analyse yourself in any objective way - if you do make an attempt it's called self-knowledge, which may be defined as a thorough and conscious insight into your own personality. It can be taught through therapy, but more often it will be acquired gradually with the innumerable lessons and failures in your life. Hopefully it will also be a huge part of what you experience and process through the feedback you receive from your surroundings - your family, friends, work colleagues and random people you meet on your journey. 

My sister Kari said it simply and beautifully in her eulogy at our mother's funeral: "Our Mum was always saying that she received such good service everywhere. Well, that's no wonder - people will behave towards you as you behave towards them." Yes. Your behaviour towards others will reflect in theirs. A polite and friendly attitude will - usually but not always - spark off the same emotions in the other person.

This is me - on the left! - at 6 months

At 7

So - why am I philosophising on this theme? Lately I seem to have evoked a lot of emotions in other people, in short touching some hearts, with subsequent words of great warmth and recognition - and it has started me thinking. Am I that fantastic a wife to my very ill husband? Am I really a tower of strength, a beacon of light and hope? Am I the glue of the family, the reason we all don't go crazy with worry and fear?

Having taken some time to reflect on all these lovely - and loving - compliments, that most certainly give me a boost and help me keep my head above water, I have discovered that the answer is Yes. And No. 

I am doing what anyone else in my situation would do. I don't actually know anyone who has been in the same situation as I am at present - watching a husband get slowly weaker and sicker with terminal cancer - but I am CERTAIN that each and every one of us is in possession of unknown and hidden wells of strength that we will draw upon when necessary. We might all have a million different ways of going about it, but I honestly don't think I am unique. I need only look at my daughters - they are full of positive energy that lifts us all up. Not to mention the optimism of my brave brave husband.

At 15

At 17

At 19

At 21

At 23 with sister Kari

At 25 with brother Harald

At 37 with youngest daughter Sophie

At 50-something

At 50-something-more

If I should muster up a little self-knowledge, just to accommodate those heartfelt compliments and follow up that "Yes" from the questions above, I know that I'm blessed with basic characteristics such as optimism, humour and a strong sense of loyalty. I'm lighthearted enough not to take myself too seriously. But serious enough to be reflective and confident and comfortable in my own skin.

And my self-knowledge also tells me that I have hundreds of negative personality traits - which I won't go into now! (Except maybe mention my temper, my impatience, my silliness…. hmmm…. can't think of any more….) Well, the most reliable people to ask are my family! They won't hesitate to tell you…

As a child and teenager I used to be embarrassed at my mother's friendliness towards everyone. But in the course of my fifty-odd years I too have discovered that a smile goes a long way. How simple is that!? During these inexplicably hard times for me and my small family we try to smile - every day. Even if it's sometimes through tears.

A quick visit to my park today to take in the glorious Indian Summer here in Oslo

This evening