Hotel Barolo in Piedmont
I have been neglecting my blog for a month. I have been travelling again.
All my travels with my husband are now over. I have to go on alone. But I know how to do it, because I have done it before. It doesn't frighten me. What frightens me is that I won't have him to share my experiences with, to tell my tales to when I get home. As he did with me when he'd been off on his golf and poker trips. Nor will I feel the sweet relief of coming home to my safe haven. Coming home now just means saying hello to another stream of associations and memories, and they will easily make me cry.
This is why I carefully chose my first two destinations - both begin with the letter "I" - to places I don't particularly associate with my husband. I thought these visits might give me a time-out, and they did. For a while anyway, but I certainly experienced those emotional moments that come and go as predictably - or unpredictably - as rain showers, sometimes lightly drizzling, sometimes hitting hard like hail.
Wine tasting at Conterno Fantino in Monforte d'Alba
My 60th birthday was on May 21, and I celebrated it with good friends and family, cooking for them, appreciating them, and feeling their love flow back. There must have been a lot of love in the numerous champagne bottles I received! The following morning I was picked up by my good friend Anne-Helene - leaving the birthday mess for my daughters to clear up - and off we flew to Milan and Piedmont for a wine tasting weekend. As I have written about several times in my blog this is something I do love! I'd been invited on this trip by some of my best friends, but we were eleven people altogether, four of whom I had never met before.
Risotto with generous truffle shavings - a solitary and voluntary lunch for me
Oh yes, I loved being back in Italy, which I hadn't visited in the last sixteen years. I love the Italian language! Sneaking in a word here and there (yes, I did take Italian lessons ages ago), one of my fellow travellers asked me if I spoke Italian. "Well, it certainly seems so," I replied and felt immediately that I will start learning again!
When I went to bed the night after our first wine tasting day - my head overflowing with impressions and getting-to-know-new-people conversations - the former exceptionally sociable me suddenly felt very anxious about another day filled with similar experiences. So I texted my friends the following morning and asked to be excused from that day's vineyard visit, and instead I spent it in Barolo in my own company. Walking through the Sunday market, enjoying a three-hour lunch on the terrace of the Hotel Barolo, reading my book, contemplating, not talking to anyone - and yes, welcoming my emotions and my grief once again. Wishing my husband had been there to share it all with me. He would have enjoyed it so much. And I am certain the others understood my need to be alone.
Only a few days after my Italy trip I was off to another country - Ireland! A country I had never visited, but always wanted to! Well, the Norwegians and the Irish are definitely related from way back - I know that now.
For eleven days I stayed with my friends in Cork, and when they asked me if I wanted to do some sightseeing - or anything else for that matter - I replied, well no, not really. I'm perfectly fine right here in your house, thank you. You have given me your best room, with a fabulous view and my own private bathroom, you pamper me and you take care of me, you let me cry when I need to, you let me laugh when I need to, you listen to me when I pour my heart out. I have only known you for a few years, but already you are family. You love me, and I love you back. A simple decision really.
As my friend Addie said - you can do your sightseeing next time. Or the time after that. Or even later...
A room with a view - and it's not a hotel!
But wow, the Irish are a sociable race! Come to think of it there wasn't any time for sightseeing at all because we were so busy meeting people! Lunches, late lunches (!), afternoon tea, dinners. I just took it all in, and I cooked Norwegian food for one of the meals. I think of all of them now as my extended family!
Afternoon tea on the River Lee - sandwiches, white chocolate cake, biscuits and of course Prosecco. At the home of one of my new "family" members.
This was my home for eleven days
Sympathy flowers from another Irish friend - Mairead
But still. Still. Someone's missing. Someone's missing in my life. Suddenly I fall out of conversations a bit, and my mind wanders. Suddenly I see him there amongst us, laughing, enjoying himself, catching my eye across the table, raising his glass to me, whispering… cheers, sweetheart.
Cheers, my darling. I know you are there.
But I think the healing has begun.
