ALL WE HAVE

Hospice: An institution focused on taking care of and nursing the terminally ill, also known as palliative care. Hospice institutions in Europe, in some form, have existed as far back as the 11th century, but were put into system in the 1950s in England by Dame Cicely Saunders.

In other words, a Hospice is a place you don't leave alive -  if you were lucky enough to get a room there.

Death does not frighten me any more. When my husband was at the Hospice for nine weeks before he died I needed to ask his nurses about death. I spent so much time there - day and night - and I watched those coffins being transported out. The first time I witnessed this I was told to stay away from the corridor, and especially to keep my husband away. By that time he was blind, so he wouldn't have seen anything anyway, but as I was to experience myself only a few weeks later, it was important to have the corridor and the moment to ourselves. They actually do a small quiet ceremony, light candles, let us say our goodbyes by the coffin, before it's taken to the cemetery, with us following the hearse in our own cars, magnetic plastic crucifixes on the car roofs. All other traffic stops in respect.

The first time I watched a coffin being transported away from the Hospice, I was sick - literally, for a day. But it drove everything home. He is not actually here on holiday, even though he's allowed to do everything he pleases! Drink his favourite liqueur in the morning, have wine and sandwiches in the middle of the night, ask for a hamburger whenever, have friends over all the time. And the same applied to me. I could do whatever I wanted, bring take-aways, drink wine, use the kitchen, join the nurses, spend time with them. Four days before my husband died my sister Kari and my brother-in-law Bjørn walked over from their house and we partied next to his bed, and he was most certainly a part of the party!

Still. It is death row.

The flag on half-mast, the hearse backing up to the entrance. Fortunately I did not ever get to know the other patients. Eleven rooms, eleven people dying of cancer. My husband - always the sociable one, the mingler - he was mostly without other Hospice companions in the common room. They were all at death's threshold, in their beds, not wanting to participate in anything. I have nothing but respect for this.

Yes, I asked the nurses about death, and how they coped. How they dealt with seeing patients dying, human beings they'd become acquainted with, perhaps started to become close to. I received answers, and they were all valuable to me:

We see death as a release, a comfort - after a long time in pain.

We cry too.

We become very fond of our patients.

We see some unbelievable courage.

We get to know and love some incredible families.

It's our job.

We get used to death. Everyone will die.

Pragmatic, realistic, yes, but also comforting. How is it possible that I think back to those nine weeks at the Hospice as good? The positive vibes, the including atmosphere. I looked forward to going there! To spend time with my husband, of course, but also just to be there! To roam the corridors, restless in the middle of the night - when he was asleep - being asked by reading, knitting, dozing nurses if I wanted a snack - sit down, talk - would you like a glass of wine?

How can you ENJOY being in a space of death? I found it so comforting.

And in the end my husband's coffin was taken out too, and pushed into a hearse. Beneath the half-mast flag.

Death became so close. Almost like a friend. We're here to be born, to live and to die. This is all we know. This is ALL we know. It is what we all have in common, if nothing else.

What frightens me more is life, and how to live it decently. Knowing and hearing what other people say about my husband - and only recently someone I don't even know spoke of him to my daughter - I realise that he came very close to living an exceptionally decent life.

We all strive towards it, I have no doubt. We do our best, and how can we not?

As death, life is all we know. All we have.