DRIVING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

I came back to Oslo on December 3rd. I was driving home for Christmas, after having spent three weeks in my house in France. Frankly I would have liked to stay longer, but I needed to get back for my family and friends. Preparing Christmas celebrations, going to a traditional weekend party in the mountains with some of my best friends, other invitations. Fortunately I do keep appointments and am eternally grateful for having them, which means I don't get the chance to hide away completely in that deep black hole, also known as my life in 2015.

I keep being both surprised and amazed though, at my ability to enjoy the little things in the midst of all the sorrow. I was determined to make my road trip a good experience, even though I pretty much sobbed my way through it. Well, I was prepared for all the emotions, and I felt I was sharing the trip with my husband, just as I anticipated I would be.

On the way back to Norway I decided I really wanted to visit a Christmas market in Germany, having been recommended this by various friends. A little bit of googling - for a town not too big, not too small, and boasting a town square and a traditional market, and in suitable driving distance from my second hotel night in the tiny south-German town of Riegel (beautiful but too small)! - landed me in Hildesheim just south of Hannover.

At Gasthof Kopf in Riegel - very Christmassy already on November 30. I ordered my whole meal in German - PROUD. 

The Hildesheim Christmas market - view from my hotel room!

Glühwein!

Oh wow. This was it. The ultimate Christmas market in an old German town, a market square surrounded by the most fabulous timber framed buildings. The hotel I checked into was unbelievable - the Van der Valk, with an unassuming entrance (if you can call an old timber framed building unassuming), and the most beautiful hotel lobby I have ever seen. "I'll give you a room with a view on the Christmas market," the receptionist said. A view! I was right IN the Christmas market! I could smell the roasted almonds, the glühwein, the gingerbread, the grilled curry würsts, the candy floss! I listened to the jingling bells, the music from the rotating tower, the children's laughter, the grown-ups chatting! The atmosphere! Oh, yes - that Christmas feeling.

I dived into it. I walked around it in awe, knowing my husband would have loved this. He would have ordered the Glühwein for me in his impeccable German. He would have said, "Let's share a sizzling hot curry würst! Even if we're having dinner later!" He was the one who time and time again showed me the "Gemütlichkeit" of Germany. Yes, I think he definitely walked with me that evening through the Hildesheim Christmas market.

Hotel Van der Valk, Hildesheim

Hotel Van der Valk lobby

Living in a Christmas market

Reluctantly leaving my beautiful hotel the following day - having been served an enormous breakfast from room service (more than enough to make myself sandwiches for lunch) - I decided to head for a detour to southern Sweden and the famous "criminal" town of Ystad. I just happened to stop outside the Hotel Continental du Sud - the oldest hotel in Sweden and an institution! Apparently it has often featured as a location in the Wallander TV series - both the Swedish and the English - and the crew and cast stay there regularly. I crossed THE Bridge between Denmark and Sweden and was again stopped by border police, extra reinforcements due to both the Paris terrorist attacks and the migration flow. The insistent police in their oilskin clothes matched the gloomy atmosphere of the Øresund Bridge, wet with rain.

One of my recurring dreams for years has been about hotels. Walking their long corridors, living in beautiful rooms, falling into soft duvets, soaking in deep bathtubs in scented foam, serving myself from minibars and not having to clear up the bottles, leaving my bed messy and unmade, strolling downstairs to abundant breakfasts. I have searched and googled for dream symbol interpretations of "Hotel," but they really only boil down to one: "You're in need of relaxation and getting away from it all." Yes! I know this is the right explanation!

Hotel Continental du Sud was almost more special than my Hildesheim hotel. I loved it! But Ystad was a dead town - literally - in early December, and I was asked to leave the pizza place where I had dinner by 10.30 pm, very politely though. On a stroll through the town's pedestrian area afterwards I encountered ONE person, and he was in fact carrying what looked like a body on his shoulder. It's true! It was rolled and wrapped up in something plastic, and well, yes... I did not turn my head to look back after I'd passed him.

Quiet quiet Ystad. Where are the criminals? 

More quiet quiet Ystad. But I do love the timber frames! 

Christmas is definitely here, in my home too. It will be a difficult time for me, as every new "first" this year without my husband. I'm still so volatile, so vulnerable, so sad, so alone. But I'm proud I did the Road Trip. It was a catharsis for me, I knew it would be all along.

I decorate my house with lights and candles, I cook, I prepare. I watch my granddaughters create their gingerbread figures. I will enjoy spending time with them and relish in their delight.

I will survive Christmas, of course I will. It's winter solstice today and gradually light will return to our Nordic Noir.

But there's no way I can simply turn on the lights inside me.