CONTRASTS

Heavy clouds over my city by the sea

A long week of contrasts is behind me, and all I can say is that I know I'll be entering into a new week just the same, in a few hours.

My life in general is one of contrasts these days, not surprisingly. Joy and sadness, energy and exhaustion, tears and laughter, darkness and light  - they all move along tightly interwoven. Hand in hand. No escaping. Oh yes - I know that most people live like this of course, but my life is even more so now - more than I could ever have imagined.

For the first time in my life I've been in therapy. Well, therapy… I've been to a few sessions with a psychiatrist who works at the hospital where my husband was treated, and this is in fact an offer to relatives of people with a serious cancer diagnosis.

The surprising novelty and experience of a therapy session for me is that I can just TALK. Talk and talk - and she'll just nod and confirm or agree to the things I say. In normal conversation there's more of a give-and-take situation - you say something, your conversation partner says something - in short it's what we call a dialogue. You actually meet some resistance, you're contending! What I have with the therapist is definitely not dialogue. But I like it - I perceived straight away that this was useful for me.

Norwegian Arctic cod - Skrei - which migrates to the north of Norway between January and April, and tastes heavenly! Served with a sweet/sour cucumber salad, carrots and a creamy butter sauce

Shoulder of lamb, oven-braised for hours till it falls off the bone

First ever attempt at Key Lime Pie - it was delicious! Even if I didn't travel to Key West, FLA to pick those special limes

One of the topics of "conversation" with the therapist has been my frustration over other people's well-meaning advice. They are so eager to convey this to me that they start shouting at me. Being extremely vulnerable at the moment there's only so much I can take of loud voices telling me to get a move on with my husband's illness. "He's losing weight - you've GOT to make him eat properly - cook this, cook that - super berries, yogurt, no sugar, no wheat, no fat, no BLAH-BLAH-BLAH!" What do they think I do? They must know this is my main worry, my overall goal - to try to increase his appetite and get him to put on weight. Every day I cook the most delicious meals. But most of the time the food doesn't even tempt him. How can they have a single doubt that I'm not doing my best?

And maybe the worst one: "Cancer cures itself! NEVER do chemo or radiotherapy - they are poison and will only make things worse! Eat baking soda instead!" Okay. Did we have a choice? I don't think so. Thanks for feeding my already burdened conscience.

Another recurring one is: "You're so resourceful - you've got to keep trying with the medicine programmes - the vaccine, the Swedish study! Call the doctors, put pressure on the researchers! Make contact - go to the MEDIA! Tell them how useless the cancer researchers are, sue the doctor who didn't discover the right diagnosis in August! Change to another doctor!" No, I'm not going to front anything in the public media - no, I'm not going to sue anyone - no, I'm not going to force myself on researchers. I don't have the strength for this at the moment, let alone that type of personality. I can write a poignant email or two, simply to get things off my chest, which I did the other day to my husband's general practitioner - one of the doctors who in fact didn't realise that his condition was serious back in August, after a nauseous 24-hour dizziness that in hindsight was clearly a forewarning. Having written an email to the doctor, and knowing that he took it seriously - inviting us both straight away to a consultation and being very decent and forthcoming - my husband and I both put his "mistake" behind us. I need to focus on positive things, and not let the negative experiences grind me down.

Unfortunately we can't reverse time.

And my mission now is to make our everyday life work. To create and maintain some happiness for me and my family.

BUT - most of the beautiful friends and family that surround us provide us with incredible sympathy and good sound advice. As I say - the frustrating advice is probably well meant and springs out of a genuine wish to help.

Yet another snowfall - Mother & Daughter making the most of it. If you can't beat 'em - join 'em! (The snowflakes that is)

This week has been half-term school winter holiday in our part of the nation, but with my granddaughter's broken knee it was impossible for us to travel to the mountain cabin. Pretty primitive as it is and completely snowed down, she wouldn't even have made it from the parking space a hundred metres away to the front door. I've seen photos of people almost not finding their cabins underneath all the snow!

New cast - pink this time! And just having written the most wonderful fantasy essay for school!

Instead I've spent some time with my granddaughters here in my city - lucky me! I love them endlessly. And their mother - we've cooked together this week, talked, laughed, watched a crazy old series on TV that we only paid 9 kroner for (1 pound, or less than 2 dollars), and that I laughed madly at 10 years ago. (I still did). We've been shopping in Sweden, - and most important of all we've been following the Olympic Winter Games in Sotchi. The medal count shows that our tiny little country came second - in between the huge nations - Russia, Canada and the USA. Our fabulous boys and girls did us proud!

Gold, silver and bronze to the girls yesterday! Medal presentation at the closing ceremony this evening in front of thousands of spectators. How great is that?! Would YOU have been able to run on skis across 30 kilometres of up-and-downhills?